Gratitude

Tonight I'm grateful for familiar driveways and roads I know by heart. I'm grateful for my high school best friend's neighborhood and the umpteenth time that I've gotten lost at night because I couldn't find her quirky mailbox. I'm thankful for old traditions -- like the cheap ice cream store, crawling with cheerleaders from my old high school, where a white vanilla dipped in chocolate costs you 2 dollars and starts to melt instantaneously. I'm grateful for memories of the past and inside jokes revisited. I'm grateful for parting gifts and heartfelt words and sleepy hugs, appreciative embraces that whisper "I love you, I'll be back soon." I'm grateful for misunderstandings and hurts that get washed away in floor-rolling laughter and meaningless banter, the sign of old friends who saw you through the SATs, the APs, the college years the heartbreaks and everything in between.

I'm grateful for the kind of friendship where you buckle yourself in for the ride and assume the other person is driving and don't have to ask. The friendship that bends and sacrifices late night sleep for a friend's room to be more organized. It's the goodbyes that are really "see ya laters," the houses you will never grow out of, the family pictures you always notice, the distinctive mailbox that catches the eye, the ice cream I eat because she loves. It's the moment sitting at the kiddy table that requires a picture, begs to be held in time -- the frivolity at 17, 19, 22 that never ends. It's the adventures and the goodbye cards and the late birthday presents and the few words that mean the world - "I'm sorry" and "I'll miss you" and "I wish I could pack you in my suitcase." It's the happy that endures continents of separation -- the friendship where reunions are sweet and get-togethers are one short of crazy and two steps past hilarious and the differences between us are so wide yet the love is wider. It's when the hours of driving in the rain for an afternoon of museums and photo shoots and gelato to celebrate a birthday are worth it. It's when the lack of communication is swept over by the familiarity and the honesty and the comfort and the feeling that just can't be replaced. The feeling of growing up together -- maybe not since the age of 5 -- but since the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed keychain-clad backpacked nonsensical high school era. Those years where locker placement and lunch spots and Friday night football games followed by Wendy's meals felt like all that were important. When everything was awful and wonderful at the same time -- like wearing pajamas you love but are too small, the ones you know will soon outgrow completely. Those days when you're trying to leave the messiness of childhood and heal the wounds of the  middle school in-between puberty years and yet prepare for the rest of your life -- the end all, be all, those four years of college that determine … everything.

And here we are with college behind us, even more than a year past us, and while so much has changed, a lot hasn't, like pajamas that fit better but still evoke the fragrance of the bygone era of the growing up years. And it's in that moment when you begin to see what the older, wiser people have been trying to tell us all along. It's not about the goals and the college degrees, the high school pomp and circumstance or the first job. It's not how many shoes you have or how big your bed is or whether you're board certified or not. In the end, this whole ride is about the journey and finding the joy in each step, even in the mess and the beauty and the doubt and the questions. Maybe life is more about the quirky mailboxes, the goofy memories, the familiar driveways, the time-tested friends, the love that screams gratitude, the joy discovered in every corner of the box in the attic of the brain, the memories of the slideshow as well as the here and now. The here and now that ends up being all that we really have -- our only guarantee. It's these moments that breathe "wild and precious life," "throw off your bowlines," and "suck the marrow out of life." It's these moments we're so immersed in beauty and love that make us come alive. The "I'm so happy I'm here, lets do it all over again" alive. It's these moments I'm eternally grateful for.

Updates + Fourth of July

I know I've fallen off the blogging bandwagon but I'm ready to jump back in. I'd like to rejuvenate this space a little bit and truly make it a place where I can write about all the little things -- and big things -- that make life so sweet.

It's been six months since I've been working as a newspaper reporter in a small town in central Florida and It's been quite a ride. I've learned so much and have had the chance to write many different stories. Being a journalist is definitely a difficult but rewarding job.

In other news, I've recently moved to a new apartment and can't wait to decorate it and make it homey. There are so many awesome ideas from Pinterest but I'm on a small budget so it will definitely take some creativity.

Yesterday was Independence Day and while I was going to volunteer to work for the day, two other go-getters jumped in before me. So I enjoyed my first paid day off. I went shopping for some new clothes (little success) and put my IKEA desk together (success!) before going out with a co-worker friend to celebrate America's birthday with her favorite pastime (My first baseball game.) Then we settled onto a sheet on the field for some small town fireworks that lasted for half an hour and listened to some patriotic tunes.

Every year on the fourth, I can't help but reflect on how happy I am to be able to say that I'm an American citizen. Thanks to wonderful parents who made the decision when I was a toddler to chase after the American dream, I have more opportunities and liberties than most of the world. While many people find it cliche, I almost tear up at Lee Greenwood's song "God Bless the U.S.A." and relish the chance to honor this country and most especially, the troops that fight for our freedoms.

I'm truly blessed to call this land home.

First Day

My first day at work today was wonderful. I got lost on the way there. A couple of times actually, but that's nothing unusual for me. I got to listen to the entirety of Switchfoot's Vice Verses which was glorious. Plus I got to see both the sunrise and the sunset on my treks. Worth the hour-long drive--today at least.

I got to listen to orientation and watch a video about the community I work in. Apparently, this place has a theme song. It reminds me of Disney World and it makes me happy. We also went over core values. Always a good place to start when you begin a career!

My boss took me to lunch at a country club (he treats newbies on their first day) and as I pored over the menu, deciding on a turkey panini (which wasn't amazing but pretty good once I added in some roasted red pepper mayonnaise that was on the side), this older gentlemen came up to me and said "Are you Demi Moore?" When I shook my head, laughing, he held out a napkin and said he was going to ask for my autograph. My boss thought this was very funny and shared this at the budget meeting where I was told by another editor that I looked like Jennifer Connolley. Wow, two firsts in one day!

After lunch, I spent an hour while my boss was at a meeting cleaning and disinfecting and organizing my desk. I used almost all of my kind neighbor's Lysol wipes which I plan on replacing this weekend. I can't wait to personalize my desk area a little bit but already I have a 2011 AP stylebook, a handful of phone books, a desktop that runs an Apple operating system (#win), a couple of new pens and highlighters, post-it notes and a rolodex. As soon as some tech guy remote accessed my computer and got my work e-mail set up, I basically had all the tools for my trade. Picking out desk supplies from the supply shelf made me feel like I was playing make-believe. I don't actually feel 22 years old in that sense. I still feel too young to have my own work space.

Anyway, I'm really excited to see where this is all heading. Tomorrow, I get to do a scavenger hunt. As in, I have to go drive around with a map and try to find certain places. For the directionally-challenged self, this is going to be quite the adventure.

Working woman

Wow. I can’t believe I start work tomorrow. It sure has been a long time coming for my first real job. I can’t believe that starting tomorrow I can call myself a journalist. In high school and throughout college, I’ve been preparing for this with countless articles, too many all-nighters and probably enough stress to cause an ulcer, though I’ve escaped with my health intact, thank God. It’s funny now to look back at Foley’s reporting class and remember my first interview, my first fact error, my first phone call to the UF President. I was so shaky and unsure and nervous. Now my confidence is where it should be, I think. I can ask anyone almost anything but I’m not so overconfident that I forget sources are people and lose my manners or compassion. I really do credit the UF J-School for teaching me more skills I could have ever imagined. Now it’s just time to put them to the test.

This job is the same job I saw this past summer, fresh out of the O’Connell center after graduating. I applied too late, though, but not before I had already fantasized the location (relatively close to family and friends) and the newspaper. About 5 months later, another reporting position opened up and I sent my application in within minutes.

After my interview, I knew for certain that I was the right fit for the newsroom and the community.

Luckily, they felt the same way. And here I am, just one sleep away from this job I thought was beyond my grasp. I’m so blessed and grateful.

Divine providence makes me smile.

It’s going to be quite an adventure, this journalism career. Here goes.

The human heart plans the way, but the LORD directs the steps –Proverbs 19:9

New beginnings

I love new beginnings and I love plans, goals, lists, reflections, hopes. So New Year's is quite a party for me.

I've learned more in 2011 than probably any other year in my life.

I learned that God is faithful and rewards those who wait. Employment

I learned that God loves to lavish us with gifts. Friendship. The opportunity to travel. Grace.

I learned that God never fails. Daily strength.

I learned that He alone is enough. Finding joy and companionship amid being alone. I've had plenty of time to get to know myself better and learn to appreciate the quiet time.

I learned that God surprises us! That he doesn’t always give us what we expect. Like moving in with my parents after graduation and waiting 8 months for a job.

I learned that God is never done forming us, teaching us.

I learned that I am stronger than I thought. 

This year I have truly understood the meaning behind being redeemed, made new and washed clean by my Savior.

I learned the definition of being the bride of the Beloved Christ and sacrificing for Him. 

This year, my love has become greater.

I learned that we all have a story and I have never felt more sure that I am in the right place—ready to do what I think I’m meant to do. Tell people’s stories. Right now, in today’s opportunity, I get to tell the stories of those who are closer to the grave. I get to record the wisdom and life experiences of the elderly. Stories that are worthy of being passed down. And it is my responsibility as a journalist to do that. Both the every day and the otherworldly. I’m so thankful for the people in my life who have supported me and loved me and I’m thankful for those who didn’t. Because every bit of discouragement just strengthens my conviction to rely on my Creator and lean on His plans for me instead of listening to mere mortals.

And this next year is going to be hard, without a doubt. But by grace alone, I’ll make it through. It’s an adventure. And I couldn't be more excited.

"Each day comes to me with both hands full off possibilities." -Hellen Keller

Immersed

I’m sitting down on the couch with golden light streaming in, about to start a book. Like usual, I nestle in to read someone else’s life, someone else’s story. I’m enthralled with stories, with people, with the human condition. Why do they do what they do? How do they become the people they become? What are their greatest triumphs and fears? It’s why I was too curious for my own good as a child. It’s why I can spend much too long on Facebook tracking statuses, photos, wall posts. Even the smallest moments make me smile. The pictures that tell a thousand words have me clicking away. It’s why I subscribe to a couple hundred blogs—most of them regular, daily life blogs. Tragedies, achievements, joys, concerns—I’m obsessed with them all. I live for stories. It’s why I want to be a writer. It’s why I want to be a journalist--a newspaper reporter. The most basic of all storytelling covering the important, the minute and everything in between.

But this fascination is limiting. It needs to be reigned in at times. It needs to be molded and crafted. And most of all, it needs to be paired with the most important thing of all: passion for my own life. What good does it do me that my heart weeps over every house fire, every drowning, every sad story? I’m fierce with my emotions and my love for other people. But how can I honor lives that have been cut short unless I fully live my own? I love to read these stories. I want to impact people by writing them. But I need to stop looking around and look at myself sometimes. I need to be similarly obsessed with finding the joy in the little things of my very own life. I need to dedicate myself to reflection on my own life experiences, not those of others. I need to LOVE my life and my story before I can truly love that of others. I need to nurture this trait of listening to my thoughts and writing them down, instead of always turning to things other people say and write or fictional worlds I can immerse myself in.

This year, 2012, I want to become immersed. Not in my work or in my relationships, as important as those facets of my life are. But most significantly, I want to be immersed in life. I don’t want to skim it's surface. I want to be completely covered in saltwater, tossed in the waves, flung across the shore. I want to live and I want to live fully. Some people have a word they decide to focus on and reflect on over the span of a year. "Immerse” will be mine. I need to take the time and the passion to live every moment, every joy, every disappointment, every celebration. I only have one life to live, and too often my attention is distracted by everyone else’s moments. These are my days. And I intend to treasure them.

"I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life" -Thoreau

Today

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

"How you spend your days is, of course, how you spend your life." Annie Dillard

Perspective makes all the difference. There's something that always used to bother me about statements like "I hate Mondays" and "Fridays make me so happy" and "On Wednesdays I can feel the hope rising within me as the darkness of the week begins to fade away." Really? Every day is a gift worthy to be celebrated. If we stop trying on Mondays, those are a whole lot of days in our lifetime of being miserable simply because a week was starting.

I used to love the show "The Weekenders." That gang of kids knew exactly how I felt every Friday afternoon in elementary school--weekends meant freedom and fun. Truly, those were the days when "we lived for the weekend!"

But now as a slightly more mature adult, I realize that an attitude like that is poisonous. We should be grateful for our lives and every simple, meager, humdrum day. Not every day do we get to have amazing experiences but every day we make memories and every day we can choose to be joyful in any situation.

Today is December 1st. It's a Thursday. I'm not looking forward to a few things on today's agenda. I don't work today. I don't have plans for the weekend. These days aren't very full. In fact they are quite boring. A day of job applications, reading and dreaming. Later on I'll have dinner with my family and watch a movie.

But I still wouldn't trade these days I've been given. These days are about waiting, about expecting. I hope I will snag a journalism job soon and I'm praying so hard for this specific opportunity I have. Every day that goes by, my trust increases. I'm never without hope. And though the days may be lonely, my heart is full thanks to the one who never leaves. He continues to pour His love on me, in every difficult moment--every time I'm afraid and each time I start to doubt.

I hope to embrace this Advent season and tie my own season of waiting with Mother Mary's. I graduated in April and the months continue to go by. I'm still here--livin' on a prayer. But today I'm happy. And I couldn't ask for anything more.

"Be strong, let your heart take courage, all who hope in the Lord." -Psalm 31:25